behind my eyes

Today is one of those days where a really good cry is lurking right behind my eyes.  Every so often, I do this sigh, which is actually similar to what it's like when I'm hysterically crying and trying to breathe.  Unfortunately, this cry will probably never happen.  Not unless I try to force it out and actually succeed (rare) or God forces it out (also rare, I guess, and kind of a scary thought).

And somehow that turned into a perfect segue to the realization I had yesterday while driving home from work.  I suppose first I need to define what my desire is so that I can adequately explain my realization.  I don't know how to phrase it: be a Christian, have a relationship with God, get my life back on track, know who I am in Christ...  I guess I should just pick one and go with it, you have an idea of what I mean, I suppose.  I realized yesterday that my motivations to be a Christian and live a Christian life is are all wrong.  Maybe wrong is a bad word to use because it doesn't help me at all.  They're bad.  Okay, there is no pleasant way to say it that doesn't pound into my heart that I am a failure.

I have several motivations, and I'm not even sure if I've thought of them all.

I want to be a Christian and live a Christian life because...

if I don't, I'm afraid that I will have some awful, messed up life where I'm punished for not following God when I should've known better.

if I don't, I will let down my husband who married a woman who was in love with God and passionate about living for Him.

if I don't, I'm afraid that our kids will end up completely screwed up because I feel like I won't know how to raise them properly and I wouldn't use what I've learned (the little bit that it is so far) about how to raise them to know Jesus.  And their mom would be a hypocrite then, and no kid wants to follow in a hypocritical parent's footsteps.

if I don't, I'm afraid I'll let down everyone that has ever known that I was/am a Christian.  I have this mental image of so many people shaking their heads, wondering what happened, what I fell into that caused me to give up the life I wanted to lead.

if I don't, I'm afraid that I will disappoint those closest to me and those who have invested much into my life and spiritual development.  I don't want them to feel like everything they poured into me has gone to waste.

if I don't, I'd probably just be labeled as casualty of "life after church/youth group/Christian college," unable to reconcile my faith with "the real world."  (Ridiculous.  But that's what I fear people would think.)

if I don't, then what about the people around me who don't know Jesus?  They might assume that He is useless, not worth living for, too demanding, nonexistent, or whatever else they might think based on looking at my life from the outside.

if I don't, I really won't know what to do with my life (more so than at this moment).  All of my truest aspirations have revolved around God, so without Him, what would I do?  I would be an aimless wanderer, searching for fulfillment and perfection and never finding it.

if I don't, I'm afraid that I will be a disappointment to God, that my whole life I'll feel like He's looking down on me, shaking His head.

if I don't, I'm honestly afraid of going to hell.

Some or all of these may sound completely irrational or ridiculous, but this is what I really think and fear on some level.  Maybe I'm not aware of it in every moment, and maybe I catch glimpses of these motivations at different times, but yesterday they came to mind so quickly while sitting at a red light.

Deep down inside somewhere, I think I do desire a relationship with the God who loves me and saved me and desires to be in relationship with me also.  I must because just typing that makes me want to cry.  It's buried in there somewhere underneath all the lies and garbage and fears.  It's the part of me that gives me hope that I can still feel something.  Because most days, I don't feel anything toward God or with God or even God Himself.  And I know that can sound stupid too, like I need constant "feelings" to know that God exists or that He's with me.  But the truth is, I need to feel it, feel Him, now.  Because if I don't, I don't know what will happen.  I am at a point of such hopelessness and sadness in my heart that if I don't experience some glimmer of hope and joy and love, I'm afraid I will truly believe that God has abandoned me and given up on me, even if that is a lie straight from Satan (which I believe it would be, regardless of how real it may feel).

I am consumed by thoughts like, "How can I get my life back together?  How can I love God again?  How can I feel the way I once did (in college, in youth group, etc.)?  Why can't I ever get it right?  What is so wrong with me?"  And I feel like the Spirit tells me that I'm looking at things all wrong, but I have forgotten how to look at them correctly.  And this is my heart: right and wrong, correct and incorrect, perfect or failure.  All. the. time.

I have forgotten what grace is like.  I don't understand it, and I cannot grasp it.  All I can grasp is conviction and mental beatings and feeling stuck.

I feel like this is the point in a blog post where years ago I would've had some truth or words of wisdom or advice for myself.  I remember those posts, where I would've already thought through a lot but I still wanted to sort through the negativity to get to what I should do or know or embrace in the whole situation.  But I honestly have no idea what to say to myself here.  I am at a complete loss.