giving-induced anxiety & guilt

I just went to Walgreens to buy a box of tissues called for by this cold that I'm now thinking is some sort of allergy, unless colds can be made worse just by leaving your house. I pulled up and immediately saw and heard a retail staple for this time of year: a Salvation Army bell ringer. I'm not sure if this is an official name, but it works and hopefully you know what I'm talking about. Immediately I start to panic a little inside. This situation always creates an awkward moment for me. The bell ringer probably got over it a long time ago, but not me. Except this time was a little different than most.

I'm one of those people that hardly ever carries cash. I use my debit card for everything, including what turned out to be a $1.08 box of kleenex from Walgreens. So this gives me a bit of a shield when I encounter people asking for money: "I'm sorry, I don't have any cash." Boom, situation resolved. But this time, I had cash on me. And not just the $5 that I've been saving to cover the donation requested for dinner tonight at my Bible study. This time, I was carrying all the money that I'm donating for my Bible study group's service project, buying Christmas gifts for some families going through difficult times. This afternoon, I withdrew all our "giving" money that has been accumulating in our account, and it wasn't a ton, but I knew I could probably spare a twenty for the Salvation Army bucket.

But I wrestled with it. Did I feel like I should give because God was leading me to give a little to help people I don't know because I'm already giving to help people that I do know? Or did I feel like I should give because I feel so guilty whenever I walk by someone asking and don't? And worse, is this because I'm afraid that the asker or some giver is judging me and assuming that I don't care about people who are struggling?

Where is it coming from?!

I feel like once upon a time I may have been able to discern this a little bit better.

In the end, when I walked out of Walgreens, the guy said, "Have a good night!" and smiled. I said, "You too!" and smiled back, walking hastily to my car. I still feel so guilty.