reminder to myself: I'm a grown-up

[found here via Pinterest]

It's time that I take myself more seriously.

I'm 27 years old.  I can drive, vote, smoke, drink, gamble, rent a car without having to pay extra, serve in the House of Representatives, join the military without parental consent, and marry without parental consent.

In other words: do whatever I want.

I've graduated from high school and college.  I've gotten married.  I've moved out of my mom's house (thanks to getting married).  I've had the same job for the last two-plus years.  I've been a volunteer this past year and in years before that.  I've read books.  I've struggled and prayed and grown.  I've talked and listened.  I've laughed and cried.  I've spoken my mind and kept my mouth shut.  I've created and loved and reminisced.

In other words: lived.

I have things to bring to the table.  It may not be as much as someone who has lived twice as long as I have, but it is something.  I've been created with gifts and abilities just like anyone else, and my specific combination of those things is unique (just like everyone else, ha).  I've lived through experiences that have taught me important things.  I have passions and dreams and hopes.

Somehow I need to stop thinking that I'm a kid in an adult's body.  Will I always feel this way?  Will I always feel inferior to other adults, even those my age?

I remember feeling like such an adult when I opened my first checking account and had my first book of checks.  I remember one night during my first year of college that we stayed out till the wee hours of the morning just because we could.  I remember going on my first vacation with my friends.  I remember the day I got my first credit card in the mail (no longer my proudest moment).  I remember working in my first office in my first cubicle, having my first card key for the building and a personal extension.  I remember getting my first car.  I remember the day I finally graduated from college.  I remember the day I married my love and moved in with him.  I remember two days after that when I signed my first lease and the day after that when we moved into our first apartment.  (The next status-markers are having a baby and buying a house, not necessarily in that order.)

All of those moments were such "adult" milestone moments for me.  Some of them are silly, some are legitimate adult-like things to do.  In those moments, I felt like I had arrived to adulthood.  Yet most days, I feel like if I was really an adult, I would have more of an idea of what I'm doing.  But I'm thinking now that a lot of adults don't really know what they're doing.  Most of us are just trying to figure it out as we go.  This doesn't make us kids.  This doesn't make me a kid.

It's time for me to hold my head high and know that even though I may have a long way to go, I have come a long way in my 27 years.

reminder to myself: don't compare

Years ago, I was going through a rough time, and I made myself a mix CD of some of my favorite songs.  They were mostly rock/alternative songs that captured my anger and sadness at the time.  To this day, I still love the CDs I made during that time because I was so emotionally connected to the songs, but that's also what makes it difficult to listen to them a lot nowadays.  One of those songs is "Poem" by Taproot.  Part of the chorus is:

"This song is a
poem to myself;
it helps me to live..."

My thought with this post is:

This post is a
reminder to myself;
it'll help me to live.

But obviously it doesn't fit perfectly with the tune.  Such is life.

Sometimes I need to remind myself of things.  Well, really, it usually goes like this:

1. I'm upset/confused/sad/losing hope about something.
2. I mull it over for a while.  Sometimes a long while.
3. God reminds me of something.
*new step!* 4. I will try to write about it to reinforce the reminder with myself.
5. I typically feel somewhat better, although usually not totally resolved because that isn't how life tends to work.  God is not a genie who fixes all your problems with a *poof* and a cloud of smoke.  It takes time for us to work things out.

Onto this evening's reminder:

source; found via Pinterest

It is so easy for me to get caught up in comparing myself to other people.  There are people that I tend to admire for certain reasons, and the reasons can differ from person to person.  And sometimes the things that I find myself jealous of are not exactly things that I want.  But usually they are similar, and the whole fact that the person is advancing in their life and accumulating what I want is what is jealousy-inducing.  Also, these things are not always "things."  Sometimes they are types of friendships or relationships, sometimes they are character traits, sometimes they are achievements, sometimes they are habits (or the breaking of bad habits).  Sometimes they are things, like houses or cars.  And sometimes they are babies.  Just being honest.

Facebook is such a trigger for this.  People tend to show you their best side through their statuses and photos (and I'm definitely not immune to this).  So I sign on and am bombarded with pictures of people's houses or kids and their status updates about the latest cool thing they're doing or their deep thoughts on life.  And I look around at my rental that I never quite made "home," observe the lack of children, notice how I'm on Facebook and have not done anything cool and have no plans to do something cool, and mourn the fact that I used to have deep insights about life but somewhere along the line I shut up that part of my brain.  And I don't even have any witty thoughts to share.  Pitiful.

But Facebook isn't the only thing to blame.  I take in words and images from blogs, emails, and conversations, and sometimes I just flat out imagine how wonderful other people's lives must be.  And this isn't to say that my life is terrible.  I am blessed with a husband I love, great family, some close friends, a bit of Christian community, opportunities to learn and serve, food to eat, a place to live, a car to drive, a job to help make those things possible.  But I know what I struggle with inside.  I know the parts of my life and the world around me that I would like to improve.  And these things are harder to see and imagine when it comes to other people.

However, these people are not what matter when it comes to improving myself and my world.  Truly, not even my family and friends matter, whether I believe they have X that is wonderful or Y that is hard for me to deal with.  This problem isn't about them.  This problem is about me, and the only person I have to compare myself with is Jesus.  And at the end of the day, I am trying to remember that, yes, God has standards, but I am not God, so I will never measure up, and He extends grace every time.  He just asks that I look to Him for my example, go to Him with the broken parts of my life, and ask for His help in redeeming things and growing into who He has created me to be.

My challenge is to push away the thoughts of comparison that steal my joy, to stop focusing on other people and myself, and to focus solely on God.  It reminds me of one of my favorite passages:

So we must get rid of everything that slows us down, especially the sin that just won't let go. And we must be determined to run the race that is ahead of us.  We must keep our eyes on Jesus, who leads us and makes our faith complete.  He endured the shame of being nailed to a cross, because he knew that later on he would be glad he did. Now he is seated at the right side of God's throne!  So keep your mind on Jesus, who put up with many insults from sinners. Then you won't get discouraged and give up.

Hebrews 12:1-3, CEV

giving-induced anxiety & guilt

I just went to Walgreens to buy a box of tissues called for by this cold that I'm now thinking is some sort of allergy, unless colds can be made worse just by leaving your house. I pulled up and immediately saw and heard a retail staple for this time of year: a Salvation Army bell ringer. I'm not sure if this is an official name, but it works and hopefully you know what I'm talking about. Immediately I start to panic a little inside. This situation always creates an awkward moment for me. The bell ringer probably got over it a long time ago, but not me. Except this time was a little different than most.

I'm one of those people that hardly ever carries cash. I use my debit card for everything, including what turned out to be a $1.08 box of kleenex from Walgreens. So this gives me a bit of a shield when I encounter people asking for money: "I'm sorry, I don't have any cash." Boom, situation resolved. But this time, I had cash on me. And not just the $5 that I've been saving to cover the donation requested for dinner tonight at my Bible study. This time, I was carrying all the money that I'm donating for my Bible study group's service project, buying Christmas gifts for some families going through difficult times. This afternoon, I withdrew all our "giving" money that has been accumulating in our account, and it wasn't a ton, but I knew I could probably spare a twenty for the Salvation Army bucket.

But I wrestled with it. Did I feel like I should give because God was leading me to give a little to help people I don't know because I'm already giving to help people that I do know? Or did I feel like I should give because I feel so guilty whenever I walk by someone asking and don't? And worse, is this because I'm afraid that the asker or some giver is judging me and assuming that I don't care about people who are struggling?

Where is it coming from?!

I feel like once upon a time I may have been able to discern this a little bit better.

In the end, when I walked out of Walgreens, the guy said, "Have a good night!" and smiled. I said, "You too!" and smiled back, walking hastily to my car. I still feel so guilty.

baking bread

Say we were friends and we run into each other tomorrow.  I'd be like, "Hey, so what'd you do last night?"  You'd be like, "Oh, you know, [insert your Friday night activity here].  What'd you do?"  And I'd be like, "Oh nothing, just baked some bread from scratch is all."  And you would fall over in shock.

I'm not a great cook, and honestly I don't even consider myself a cook at all.  I am ashamed to admit how much my husband and I eat fast food or grab something at a convenience store or go out for a meal, so I won't admit to any specifics.  Partially because I don't really have specifics.  We fly by the seats of our pants to some extent.  Anyway, lately I've been trying to cook more dinners at home, and thanks to Pinterest, I've found some really great, easy recipes.  While perusing pins, I came across one that said it was a recipe for making artisan bread with no kneading and no fuss, if I remember correctly.  I LOVE bread.  So artisan bread that doesn't require fuss?  I had to check it out.

And even better, it doesn't require a Kitchenaid stand mixer.  A couple of my friends got Kitchenaid mixers for their weddings, and it seemed that these were the holy grail of wedding presents.  Then I went to register and realized why.  They are freaking expensive!  But I registered for one anyway, even though I had never had a need for one, because I thought that's just one of those things people register for.  Turns out, all my wedding guests obviously know me well enough to know that I have never had a need for a Kitchenaid mixer, and nobody bought us one.  And this has worked out for the best because at this point, I wouldn't know where to put it.  But I do get a little sad when I come across a new recipe, get excited about trying it, and then have my hopes dashed when I read about what I need to do the mixing.  But I digress.

This artisan bread requires no kneading, no fussing, and no Kitchenaid.  And it only needs four ingredients.  Granted, one of them is yeast (duh), which I have never used by myself and possibly not under the supervision of anyone else either.  I feared this would be my downfall.

But I followed the directions, and my dough rose as promised, so it looks like I've succeeded thus far.  The recipe recommends refrigerating the dough overnight, but with some things I tend to be impulsive and impatient, and food is typically one of them.  So I waited the bare minimum of time every step of the way, and now my bread is baking in the oven, smelling pretty good.  My plan is to make some Tastefully Simple Beer Cheese Soup while it's cooling.  I wanted to make a bread bowl, but since I didn't refrigerate the dough, it was so sticky, and I could barely form it into the nice loaf the pictures from the recipe showed.  So it's a bit of a blob, and I'll have to slice it up and dip it instead.  Still good.

The verdict: definitely not a bad first loaf of bread from scratch!  I'm curious to see how the taste and texture will be different tomorrow after it's had more time to cool.  The beer cheese soup was pretty good too, very think and rich though.  I might try to thin that a bit tomorrow (or whenever I have my next bowl).  And obviously this whole experience has made me so proud of myself that I ended my blogging hiatus just to write about it.

behind my eyes

Today is one of those days where a really good cry is lurking right behind my eyes.  Every so often, I do this sigh, which is actually similar to what it's like when I'm hysterically crying and trying to breathe.  Unfortunately, this cry will probably never happen.  Not unless I try to force it out and actually succeed (rare) or God forces it out (also rare, I guess, and kind of a scary thought).

And somehow that turned into a perfect segue to the realization I had yesterday while driving home from work.  I suppose first I need to define what my desire is so that I can adequately explain my realization.  I don't know how to phrase it: be a Christian, have a relationship with God, get my life back on track, know who I am in Christ...  I guess I should just pick one and go with it, you have an idea of what I mean, I suppose.  I realized yesterday that my motivations to be a Christian and live a Christian life is are all wrong.  Maybe wrong is a bad word to use because it doesn't help me at all.  They're bad.  Okay, there is no pleasant way to say it that doesn't pound into my heart that I am a failure.

I have several motivations, and I'm not even sure if I've thought of them all.

I want to be a Christian and live a Christian life because...

if I don't, I'm afraid that I will have some awful, messed up life where I'm punished for not following God when I should've known better.

if I don't, I will let down my husband who married a woman who was in love with God and passionate about living for Him.

if I don't, I'm afraid that our kids will end up completely screwed up because I feel like I won't know how to raise them properly and I wouldn't use what I've learned (the little bit that it is so far) about how to raise them to know Jesus.  And their mom would be a hypocrite then, and no kid wants to follow in a hypocritical parent's footsteps.

if I don't, I'm afraid I'll let down everyone that has ever known that I was/am a Christian.  I have this mental image of so many people shaking their heads, wondering what happened, what I fell into that caused me to give up the life I wanted to lead.

if I don't, I'm afraid that I will disappoint those closest to me and those who have invested much into my life and spiritual development.  I don't want them to feel like everything they poured into me has gone to waste.

if I don't, I'd probably just be labeled as casualty of "life after church/youth group/Christian college," unable to reconcile my faith with "the real world."  (Ridiculous.  But that's what I fear people would think.)

if I don't, then what about the people around me who don't know Jesus?  They might assume that He is useless, not worth living for, too demanding, nonexistent, or whatever else they might think based on looking at my life from the outside.

if I don't, I really won't know what to do with my life (more so than at this moment).  All of my truest aspirations have revolved around God, so without Him, what would I do?  I would be an aimless wanderer, searching for fulfillment and perfection and never finding it.

if I don't, I'm afraid that I will be a disappointment to God, that my whole life I'll feel like He's looking down on me, shaking His head.

if I don't, I'm honestly afraid of going to hell.

Some or all of these may sound completely irrational or ridiculous, but this is what I really think and fear on some level.  Maybe I'm not aware of it in every moment, and maybe I catch glimpses of these motivations at different times, but yesterday they came to mind so quickly while sitting at a red light.

Deep down inside somewhere, I think I do desire a relationship with the God who loves me and saved me and desires to be in relationship with me also.  I must because just typing that makes me want to cry.  It's buried in there somewhere underneath all the lies and garbage and fears.  It's the part of me that gives me hope that I can still feel something.  Because most days, I don't feel anything toward God or with God or even God Himself.  And I know that can sound stupid too, like I need constant "feelings" to know that God exists or that He's with me.  But the truth is, I need to feel it, feel Him, now.  Because if I don't, I don't know what will happen.  I am at a point of such hopelessness and sadness in my heart that if I don't experience some glimmer of hope and joy and love, I'm afraid I will truly believe that God has abandoned me and given up on me, even if that is a lie straight from Satan (which I believe it would be, regardless of how real it may feel).

I am consumed by thoughts like, "How can I get my life back together?  How can I love God again?  How can I feel the way I once did (in college, in youth group, etc.)?  Why can't I ever get it right?  What is so wrong with me?"  And I feel like the Spirit tells me that I'm looking at things all wrong, but I have forgotten how to look at them correctly.  And this is my heart: right and wrong, correct and incorrect, perfect or failure.  All. the. time.

I have forgotten what grace is like.  I don't understand it, and I cannot grasp it.  All I can grasp is conviction and mental beatings and feeling stuck.

I feel like this is the point in a blog post where years ago I would've had some truth or words of wisdom or advice for myself.  I remember those posts, where I would've already thought through a lot but I still wanted to sort through the negativity to get to what I should do or know or embrace in the whole situation.  But I honestly have no idea what to say to myself here.  I am at a complete loss.